nobody ever has to find out whats in my mind tonight.

rainbow bridge - big wave rider
christmas island - i dont care (fashion a song after this and...)
warpaint - undertow.

7/27

flash rain of acid, maybe.
light from the sky still bright
someone somewhere is strumming
aimlessly
string on wood
it sounds like a christmas song

electric pulses from thunder
make cravings
touching skin feels the same
a visible spark
exciting, devilish grins on faces

another life, another time

armpit tat

the impulse to be impulsive and stop analyzing, drives me
to think of (for one day) the first tattoo i want.
im about to have another mark on my body.
i think of:
breast feeding a child
being with a new lover
having several tats and living like a kid who will never grow up
or is it me? will i ever?
should i stop trying to... grow up?
make money, feed myself, but never go corporate.
stop worrying what it might seem like.
like a job interview
and a wrinkled skirt.
dirty hair but cool shoes, what matters?
it depends.
so its best to think of you.
who you really are and who you really want to be.
and i want to be a woman in chicago with a balloon tattoo in my armpit.

needs work. in class poem. 6/8

exercise from the poem 'Reunion' - Marie Howe

the first and last moment i loved him was in his apartment bathroom in san diego.

i was bobbing in a tub of bubbles, scents of lillacs and skumky puffs of marijuana clouds circled our skulls. so high.

he sat on the toilet seat, staring at my face, ignoring the slips of scenic body parts
popping from the foamy surface water

i never felt so safe or wholly loved by a man.

class exercise 2

chosen lines. mad-lib it.

dont think about the ship in the bottle.
problem is, you forget yourself.
sometimes we burn our stories page by page in the oven.
all the balloons left without saying goodbye.
we broke open the pinatas only to find a smaller pinata.
i am a seed which spring never carries.

ignore this pattern of presents.
never forget, you'll need to impress me
always we are giving things and things
to win appreciation.
all the side glances hidden in an instant.
we shoved colorful ribboned boxes in each others
mouths. and we didnt choke.
we are a people who are hungry for objects.

class exercise 1

chosen lines combined. mad-lib it:

your manic anthems shame my sleep
i wok ein the night and begonias flew from my mouth
eventually, our town forgot your exodus,
as towns will do.
comfort meaning the satisfaction of longing.
im asking what binds know body and mind
the bones of a person or thing is meant to produce artistic work.
often, i imagine them slowly moving toward each other, like islands
cicadas still buzzed fiercely for their mates.




your disheveled looks embarrass me
i walk into the coffee shoppe and you don't look up.
suddenly, i feel alone in the presence of strangers, but we're all alone anyway.
and by strangers i mean the people who have all seen me naked.
im considering what hurts, my brain or my heart?
the scattered patches of the chest-hair of a man-boy still is creating attachment
often, i imagine them slowly moving towards each other, like islands.
but the caffeinated hipsters are still impressing themselves with apathy.

class poem 3

apparently i had attention deficit disorder,

which made me way cooler than the kids

who ignored me. they did, however,

notice my over-developed chest,

probably thanks to hormones in the milk

and i used duct tape to conceal myself.

goddamn birds. all my life they have

mistaken me for their own, pulling

at the back of my collar, flapping

wings, those prehistoric things

in my face. i still have nightmares of bald eagles

in these dream, i am an indian.

my woman who gave her life to me before

I was born, a mother since her own birth

from her I learned the perfect way to crack an egg

and a terrible way to make people love

giving and giving until there’s nothing left

expecting the world in return

this man, he flew airplanes and hot air balloons

and was never meant to be a man

or a father, being an eternal boy

he loves only himself

and the good ideas that people

might have of him

on the playground, too young to bleed

from a place other than my knees

my feet slip from the starting monkey bar

in slow motion,

my pelvic bone collides with concrete

and my hymen evaporates

my insanity was not saved by savior

but by knowledge of

metaphysics and music, mainly

that of the pseudo-homo rockers

of the death to disco era.

I owe my life to david bowie.

Skin

Yours and mine
The only thing holding our guts back from intermingling,
from tangling together,
forming new organs with dual powers for digestion, etc.
Damn this epidermis. Such a nuisense!
My blood pumps harder, faster in attempts to escape
to be blended with yours
to be flowing in the same vein
For a short time at most

califarnia travelouge

interesting new news: im staying another extra week in san diego. i cant even remember what oxford is like and feel very disoriented when imagining it. i'll be returning to school in january. also, very disorienting. more so than returning to oxford. clearly, this trip saved my life. it was spinning around in the same circles for a while. maybe i'll stick to a change for a change.
ive recently discovered my highschool years 'blogs' how embarassing. i was uncool, but thought the contrary. i hope i dont think the same in 6 years. quite likely.
im seen some amazing things while ive been here:
little recap in a super long run-on sentence-

arrival nov9th, so my first few days here i pretty much ate fish tacos, smoked and lay around on the beach. wednesday my host had a business thing out of town so he left me his car and i drove to hillcrest to see a dreamy band which later hosted a dance competition, held by 'soul train new york', or something. band was alright, dance comp was crazy. 40 people in groups of 10 and i won in my group! so funny.
12- the next night crocodiles and dum dum girls played at belly up. so amazing, and their lead people, jonathan and deedee were judges in the dance comp the night before.
my host came back friday so i picked him up and we got drunk and were super lame and i went to sleep. watched the olemiss game saturday, beach, auggie's for a table-full of crab legs, mussels, shrimps etc. arrogant bastard beer (so stout)
15- next day went to museum and later saw john and colin and johnny valient play at bar pink, where the dance comp had been. so nice to see oxfordfaces. and katie was there too. such a great surprise. (!!) so uh, the next day attempted surfing. hmm. im no good. but i love the water. was also pretty high. went to UCSD that night to see loch lomond and horse feathers. ucsd has this great venue called the loft. so jealous/ they serve tasty beers, on campus, all day any day. this incredible organic british beer called St peters or something. yum.
17- so, next night went to LA to see the conan obrien show! honestly, it was cool but not the coolest thing ive seen. cant remember why, except that loch lomond was amazing, we went to watch them play in LA that night at some bar aptly named something degenerating. next day had my first ameoba experience. spent almost all my moneys there. )its a huuuge record warehouse, really famous)so many cool things though. my god. peter bjorn and john were in town so we thought we should check it out. terrible terrible. ugh, what a bad choice. horrible venue. house of blues in SD, they were crap. bad night. next day,
20- went back to LA and saw neon indian. katie came too. mischa barton was in front of us in line. some guy gave us free packs of smokes. they were seriously good. neon indian. the cigarettes actually have my throat hurting now. so next day took a train to LA by my selfishness and met up with katie at her pretty house. dent was perfoming that night at el ray theatre with cryptacize and fiery furnaces. we had a neat texmex dinner and somehow missed dents show! but we hung out anyways. fiery furnaces get on my nerves. after many funny discussions with a dude i didnt know that favored conan in an odd way, we went to katies friends house for a sort of reunion/birthday thing. it was such fun. all the kids were downtoearth yet floaty.
22- cirque du soliel. got hiiigh and watched the stuff. crazy. ugh, the next day we went to the zoo and saw elephants that smiled and seemed quite content. and eagles that had no room to fly and it was obviously sad.
25-went kayaking in la jolla and floated by dr. suess' house. there were seals everywhere making a honk honk, passed a cliff that this dude would jump off of every single day at a certain time, and it became a spectacle, until one day he jumped, and died. now its a holy spot, or something. had crazy good italian food. canoli, belicimo. had an odd thanksgiving, the first away from my family. there was alcohol.
27- the art fag fest! ganglian's sweetheart ryan got me and my host in for free. we met up and hung out after i watched them, best coast, dum dum girls and corocodiles. he was funny though. randomly asked if i wanted to go 'makeout somewhere' um no thanks guy. haha i was polite though. it was an all ages thing so there was NO alcohol.and no age, who were great. seriously, sorry, they are. their recorded shit is shit. but live, they are super fun. peoples were crowdsuring and moshmoshmoshing. so the nex day, since things were free on satelittle due to holidaze, i watched the entire last season of weeds. shane, what the fuck dude?my god. late the night we went to some peir and read ghost stories after we had strawberry milkshakes. the stories were all about ghosts on lonely highways and trains etc.
on december 1st i had pad thai for lunch AND dinner. slight obsession. its so fucking good out here. next day went back to LA to check out this zero film fest, which seriously you can tell is only in its 2nd year of productions, run on a zero budget. and maybe this is just a california 'i dont care ' attitude and maybe i have no idea what im talking about because i have only worked on the oxford film fest, but jesus! get it together, guys. without notice the films were silent. they were projected onto a building and we were on the rooftop of this really fancy hotel, the standard. but the dj kept spinning dance music. and no one was even watching the 'short film' block that was not supposed to be silent. they just couldnt figure out how to project the sound of the film over the pa. lame and disappoint. BUT fucking Warpaint, oh my god. ive been listening to them for a while, and loved their EP but they were incredible. for whatever reason all their songs were instrumental, for which they apoligized, , but i seriously kept feeling like i was at andy warhols factory on drugs watching some underground band play some trippy chords in their dirty clothes. and the bass player is shannyn sossamans sister, apparently. looks just like her, but different last names. total girl crush on this chick. jen. she was wearing dark green long johns with mess hair and a smoke dangling from her mouth and she rocked violently back and forth and all over the place wth her bass. totally fell in love. okay, so the next day hang out in beverly hills, went to watch these music video premiers and they started an hour late, they were cool, but there was a feature we wanted to check out at another venue, 'so long, lonesome' very artistically shot. i enjoyed it. and then two short films. later that night i went to my very first strip club, all nude. i mean. vagina/butthole in my face. it was insane. they made me touch their boobs and sturff. it was gigglish. haha i acidently walked in a girl (stripper) changing in the middle of the bathroom and instictively say 'oh im sorry girl' like, ok, shes a stripper. its cool. no apology needed. she'll be even more naked in front of more people in about 5 minutes. also heard a chick doing coke. we stayed at the grafton, awesome little kitchy place. heard seal rehearsing for a wedding or something at the building next door earlier that day.
4- so, ate at this amazing breakfast place in LA called griddles, had nutella filled french toast. yum. drove back to san diego. saw Girls play at UCSD. also a band called morning benders. also really great. right up front, got several nice shots of dude. so the 5th we probably downloaded music illegally all day, watched the its always sunny rerun (which was not funny this week. at all) then went to see Jerry Seinfeld do standup. crazy. had the most nosebleed seats ever. seriously, they offered binacular rentals. but such fun. i had a white russian and wasnt wearing a bra. so, today, have been such a lazy fuck. ate at the super legit and yummy italian place and went to see The Fantastic Mr Fox. AMAZING. i love that sort of animation. it mixed with some of my favorite actors and directed by one of my favorite directors, so nice. well, nothing on the agenda until i leave, a week from today. Tgoing to a winery called Temecula, or maybe its IN temecula. for 2 days. then the Nutcracker Suit is played in a small venue with a live orchestra the saturday before i leave, so that will be the grand finale of my exploration. which has really been more of a safe haven while i was hiding from nothing inparticular. ha. im ready to be back in school and not drink and be a real person. even though, there is this place here called Pizza Port. they brew their own beers and they are OUTSTANDING. my god. also, attached the the builing is the pizza port bottle shop. all these rare and foreign beers. we got a 12 pack the other day and this giant ass pizza from knockout pizza. seriously the size of three pizzas combined, cheese like the drippy cheese of TMNT days and doug and other 90s cartoons, for some reason. ok. bye.

pubis

he emerged from the bathroom, whimpering, saying that he cut his dick while trimming his pubis. i remarked that he should maybe soak it in something, like cayene pepper juice or lemon liquid. the scowl on his face was not grimmaced enough, so i mentioned sticking something in his dickhole, but not the cotton swabbed q-tip like the at the doctor's office (this produced the scowl i was reaching for) 'maybe a jagged twig, with dirt on it' 'ok thats enough, jesus mary' he said. he was sitting at the dining room table now. i wonder if he knew why i was so mean sometimes. i just hate to hear him whining. hes already so feminine that when he goes down on me i feel like im finally having a lesbian experience and then he looks up at me, well, hes constantly looking up at me, making me uncomfortable, making me feel a little guilty for lettng him cunnaling me only because hes so good at it. i dont want to be with him. im completely unattracted to him. and he knows it. im sitting on the couch, wasting time. we have plans of which hes been trying to move into action for about 2 hours now. i slowly lift my dress about an inch up my thigh and the look in his eye becomes that of a small boy, he first time he sees a womans breast. he always looks at me or my vagina this way. his eyes light up, his mouth warps into the strangest childlike grin, and it repulses me. i yell at him 'stop making that face' as i yank my dress back down. he asks me what he should do. i say nothing. 'dont make any face. just stop.' so he covers his mouth and narrows his brow and i begin again, lifting my dress to reveal myself. im not wearing panties. im never really wearing panties. unless im on my period because i hate tampons. i continue rising the dress until im completely exposed, sitting 15 fet away from, touching myself. stopping everytime his eyes grow a little. when they begin to water i throw my dress down, yell at him, and tell him to go away, dont talk to me for 20 minutes. 'i really want to write this down,' i say.